Coaching Girls Softball - How Do You Handle Parents?

So far this season, I've been told or experienced the following first-hand:-play girls in positions they have no concept of how to play or support.-play girls 'fairly' so that they all get equal playing time.-told to organize my team so that all of the girls get to play both infield and outfield positions on a rotating basis.-told by my assistant coach (also a parent) that we should do <this list="" of=""> drills that have nothing to do with fundementals development in a menaingful way (ad-hoc lesson plan)-had another assistant coach (also a parent) give complex technique advice to players during the game that does more damage than good.-had an assistant coach who likes to think that my role as the manager is to do all of the grunt work while he runs infield warmups and generally directs traffic (instead of asking what he can do to help - the list is huge).-had parents who tell me that I suck as a coach, shouldn't inform them of how the team is doingm, and just shut up and let the girls have fun. (they're 0-5 presently)-had an assistant coach (parent) who thinks that in order to manage a 11U team that I need a list of 15 volunteers to do everything from scorekeeping to being a 'Team Mom' who organizes brining snacks to each game.-had an assistant coach who criticizes players while on the field for making successful plays, but not doing it quickly enough.-have parents that take their kids out of the dugout and leave the field and park in the middle of a game without even notifying a coach-have parents that schedule vacations with their kids where they don't return for several weeks and don't bother to let anyone know.-have parents that constantly want me to pickup their kids on the way to the field because thye have something more pressing to attend to (it's usually the same parents over and over).-have parents who have told their injured kid to continue to play, but only if they a) play 1st base b) only throw underhanded to the pitcher only, and c) can only swing at a pitch if it's a strike and they have two strikes on them altready-have coaches and parents that refuse to volunteer for even the simplest activity to support the team (like substitute umpiring or chalking the field)-have parents that criticize the time that our practice is scheduled, and then tell their kids to deliver the message.-had a parent who openly and publicly criticized me when the pitching coach didn't show up as the reason our pitching sucked. I hired a professional pitching coach for our team, and I pay her out of my own pocket because none of our pitcher's parents will do this on their own. I don't coach pitching - I was never a softballer.
...and this is all in my first year of managing and coaching an 11U girl's fastpitch team,.I'm 6 weeks into a 12 week season. Something is clearly wrong with these people.At this point i've decided that if the parents want to be idiots, then I'll treat them as such. The real offenders are just told NO, That's not going to happen. Other than that, I just ignore them. they're a distraction, they bring everyone down, they're all ineffective and inexperienced, and yet they all want to be in charge.I manage highly complex teams for a living, and dedal with advanced project management, program development, leadership, communications, conflict resolution and people develpment FOR A LIVING, and I've never seen anything so pathetic and detrminetal in my entire professional career - and that's saying a LOT.They ought to require training and education for incoming non-managing parents and coaches, and a set of guidelines that are routinely evaluated and reinforced.I'm a volunteer, and this committment takes upwards of 30 hours a week of my time to properly plan, communicate and execute, including lesson planning, coaching, field prep, travel, team administration, finding, acquiring and getting umpires to keep their committments, scorekeeping, game planning, and so on.What these parents are accomplishing is nothing short of the death of good sportmanship and game play, team building and people dvelopment. If you allow them to treat you this way, your girls lose. I'm at the point where I just tell them to shut up if they don't have anything positive to say, or they can take their kid and roll. And if they don't like that, I'll take all of my well-documented idicy on their part and have an internal review with the league and get their kids removed from the league. That's an incredibly bad position to have to take that forces the kid to pay for their parent's lack of common sense or good judgment, but i have a dozen other player to consider, and there is no 'I' in Team.</this>

360 degree feedback is that system which provides a platform where you can judge you behavioral blind spot and can know your strength and weakness to have coaching to improve yourself for the benefit of your self and you organisation, 360 degree feedback.

I have dealt with this situation over many years of coaching (11 years) from Little League, to travel teams, to a current Middle School Team. The main thing that I learned is that "you can't win when it comes to parents!" They view their daughter's performance on the field in a different manner than I do as a coach. They may not be aware during a game that their daughter did not practice hard as she could have in preparation of a game, missed some signals while playing, and simply decides at times to play the game the way mom/dad want them to play and not the way I would like things done. My feeling is that parents are way to involved with their kids when it comes to sports. Spend thousands of dollars on equipment and various "high level" teams and expect their kid to play every inning of every game. Individuality is what sports in general have come to. Think of professional athletes today and look at team loyalty, there really is none. Back in the 70's professional baseball players played on the same team for years and were focused primarily on winning, not big contracts. This is part of our current American society and it is very sad. I like players that support one another and display their talents in game situations and always put the TEAM ahead of their own agendas. The best thing I ever heard from a college softball coach was that his dream team of players would be a team of "15 orphans!" Parents get in the way too often and don't allow coaches to coach!

As a (recent) former college player, it gets hard because parents think they can take advantage of your young age. Personally, I have been told by parents that they came to my team so their kid could have the experience of playing for someone who has competed at a high level. Then they spent most of the game sitting behind the backstop telling their kid how to play! Usually, I remind them what they said was the reason they came to play for me and that keeps them quiet. I do take suggestions but usually I can give them good reason why it isn't done that way. If I can't give them good reason, then I try changing what I am doing. It is important that parents do not coach their kid from the sidelines. It confuses the kid and it makes them become an "un-coachable" athlete, which is a quality that no high school or college coach wants.

I am a first time coach of recreation and I am liking the ideas on here. Thanks to all for sharing.

The personal coaches thing is ok as long as they sync with the team coach, good coaches have knowledge of hitting & pitiching also in some cases, usually coaches attend clinics, so as long as her hitting or pitching coach is in sync with the team coach no biggie. This means they should talk about what their teaching so there's no conflicting information given to the player that's the biggest problem. The rest is simply EGO BS.

We have a senior first baseman who is scared to death of the ball. Her parents are prominent business people in our small town and the mother just quit as President of our Booster Club. This young lady usually commits a few errors and when we replace her she sits in the dugout mad and won't even cheer for her teammates. The other problem is she has a couple of her friends(teammates) that sides with her and won't cheer. Her dad is bad for coming to the dugout during the game and telling her to do things his way, not the coaches. Her defensive problems carry over to her hitting and then she really has the mental thing going on. The problem is her parents tell her it's not her fault, the coaches are out to get her. They then tell other parents the coaches are no good and out to get her. Since quitting the booster club they help very little with fundraising. Our coaching staff finished with a 20-3 record last season, with 4 freshman starters, one being the main pitcher, so I think we know the game. Any suggestions on how to deal with these parents and this young lady?

i'm glad when parents tell me their "life" story. it gives me more insight on how to handle their prodigy and lets me know that all of my decisons will most likely (unfortunately for the player) be discussed on the ride home. i would rather know how great the parent and instructors are than have it be their little secret.
regarding the private instructors, especially if i know them or have heard good things about them, i ask the parent to see if they would be interested in giving a free clinic for our players. key word being free. i've rarely had any interested in helping out, for free anyways. regarding the parent coach i ask what types of drills they like best and have had the best success with. if possible i'll use it in my practices and give credit to them for the idea. next thing you know they have to buy some bigger hats, lol.

I agree with Ken Krause about laying down the law in a parent meeting prior to the first practice. I always have a printout that i give to all parents describing my coaching philosophy, what my team goals are, what i expect from players and what i expect from parents. If i'm in need of coaches, i will ask at that time for parents to volunteer and what i expect from them.

If a parent approaches me during the season with the above mentioned situation, I would remind them that my practices are for team development, not individual development. The training and skill development the parent(s) suggest are more of a one-on-one situation. It’s up to the parents to either coach their child one-on-one or I would encourage the parents to use outside training with such coaches to help develop their child’s skill on a one on one level.

Again, I would stress this during my parent meeting that practices are for TEAM DEVELOPMENT and not for one-on-one instruction. I personally would not ask that parent to coach or be part of the practices if they didn’t initially volunteer to be a coach – nor would I allow them to be part of the practice if they came up to me during the season with their suggestions. To invite them to coach your team at some level is already allowing them to disrupt your training agenda. Before long they will insist on doing things differently. Like the old saying goes ‘you give someone an inch, they will take a mile’.

Coaches Coach players play and parents are spectators. If this is communicated early on and enforced the problems will still not go away but you have laid the ground rules to have a come to Jesus talk and let them know what is expected. If the problem presist then it's up to you as the coach to do something about it. Send them down the road where they learn the are not the coach they thought they would be. If they are your parent of your ace pitcher make them your assistant coach......

We, our coaching staff, are going through this situation right now. I like to allow the person to talk, maybe there will be some great insight available. After a short time I excuse myself to "deal with a team issue". This person has yet to realize we are a showcase team rather than a simple travel team and our staff is preparing the girls for a college career rahter than trick plays, etc. Part of our training is to teach the parents too including this gentleman.

Have been coaching youth for over 40 years. Players are wonderful, parents are usually the problem if there is one. I only have a few simple rules, I will discuss ANYTHING with a parent EXCEPT -- PLAYING TIME, POSITION, OR TECHINQUES BEING USED. That is commuicated to the players and parents at a meeting at the beginning of the year. I will discuss position, playing time and techniques WITH THE PLAYER in detail. When a player plays for me I expect them to do it my way. When they play for another coach I tell them to adapt and do it the way that coach prefers. None of us are perfect and knows it all or the correct way. But in order to be successful a coach must believe in what he knows and teaches and must be albe to do it without interference or intimidation from any outside sources.

That is some outstanding advice. Thank you.

Some of what you said, I agree with as far as getting everything out in the open at a team/parent meeting. I don't necessarily agree with techniques being flexible for whoever you're playing for..especially if we're talking mechanical techniques for hitting or pitching. Some of these kids are trained by personal coaches for months and years where their mechanics are put to memory and for one coach to try to change what a player is being conditioned will confuse and can be harmful to the development of the player.

Having coached at lots of levels and age groups, I can tell you this question never goes away. As many have already stated, setting expectations with parents and players pre-season is key. Additionally, I invite the parents to shre their thoughts, suggestions, criticisms, etc. as they are observers and may see things I don't or miss. Nevertheless, there is a time and place for this type of comminucation... never during a game or in front of other kids or parents. I simply ask that they request a meeting with me. And, I do like for them to shre the topic(s) they want to discuss in advance so I too can be prepared. It has worked well, really well.

Listen to the parent. If they know a thing or two about coaching - put them to work. If they're full of hot air put them to work. If they decline the invitation and are still critical of your coaching tell him he can take it out of your pay check.

This may be the finest three sentence answer to a complex question I have ever read. Well done!

I would give the parent a chance in the offseason to prove themself. If they are of value they will be willing to run the pitching machine, soft toss, chase errant balls and whatever needs to be done to maximize my contact time with the girls. Make sure they know what you want taught or reinforced so they can give the same instruction. Manage these parents as much as you manage the players. It is a bigger job but it ends up a win-win all around.

Too many of us coaches have egos that prevent us from managing the parents as well as the team. When a parent participates in the coaching they also build a respect for you especially if they have been there during the offseason. This respect is what will allow you to pull the parent aside when they are overstepping their role or subverting your authority. You can discuss the points where you think they are out of bounds and how they are confusing the girls. The parents that don't like will take their daughter and leave but those that are mature enough will become solid team players.

Ultimately, who wouldn't want a staff of 11 assistant coaches when they are all teaching what you want?

One of the initial things we do is have a parent meeting before the onset of the season. While there the parents sign a code of conduct with the kids. This code contains many guide lines for the season. One of the items is that for any reason there is dissatisfaction with the coaching staff the coach will be available at any time for a prearranged meeting. This meeting will be held at any time beside immediately after a practice or game. All that is to be done would be contact the head coach and a time convenient for all parties would be set up. Believe it or not this reallly disuades and quells the face to face confrontations unfortunately it does not quell the monday morning quarterbacking in the stands...

I coach 12U and first and foremost you must lay ground rules at the outset. Rules we have for example are kids carry their own AND the teams gear, players pick up balls etc from batting practice, they carry the gear to and from my truck every practice and every game. No parents carrying little Jennys stuff. We let them know this is a 12U girls team, the parents are over 12 and half of them are NOT girls!! If you have an over zealous parent during games, have assigned seating. I had a parent last year who thought their daughter WAS the team, we sent her out to the field the next inning by herself (with the players consent). This proved the point that she had no one to pitch to or no one to field the ball. NOBODY is bigger than the game. Lastly we have the "sucker rule". If parent gets on a player (our team or the opponent) and they dont respond with a kind reminder, have them choose a Tootsie Pop (we carry a 1 pound bag). If you have ask them again they have to eat it in the car immediately. The umps love it!! Parents get the hint, most reasonable parents DONT want to be THAT person.

I would tell the parent that it is really too bad that he was not available back in the fall or winter when they were picking the coach for the team and that he didn't step forward! But they picked me and I am going to run the team the best that I can. I would tell him that if he has any suggestions about possible drills, etc., that I welcome his input (stroking his giant ego can't hurt), but he should also be told that all things need to be uniform - so all coaches are on the same page and teaching the girls the same things. It all runs through me. He might give you a helpful idea or two, but most likely he will head back to the stands where he belongs!

I look at it like the old saying about being tough -- if you have to tell everyone how tough you are, you're not. A parent that brags about how many championship teams he/she has coached is probably someone who has feelings of inadequacy. High school coaches actually have much more power in these situations than travel/club coaches because they really can take a "my way or the highway" attitude. Where's the kid going to play other than her own high school? Will the family really move just so the kid can play somewhere else?

Part of handling parents is having that meeting at the beginning and laying down the law. If you know you have one of those parents, be sure to address it in the meeting. This is the team, this is who I am, this is how I do things, this is your role, etc. If some of the kids have their own private coaches, embrace it. A high school coach doesn't have the time to teach anyone how to hit or pitch in the pre-season. Assuming that the results are there, take advantage of it. Place your focus on the team aspects rather than the individual ones.

Most important is to build the culture of your team. Really make a program of it, and have the players drive the culture from year to year. Sure, you may lose a good player now and then. But if you're interested in winning a conference, regional, sectional or state title, you don't need one good player. You need a team.

Great stuff Ken! As a travel ball coach for a number of years the key to a successful parent/player/coach relationship is communication. Set your ground rules right out the gate. We have a big team welcome picnic the month after try-outs where all the guidelines are addressed. I use codes of conduct for the players, parents and coaches. It's very important to be consistent and stick to your codes even when it would be easier sometimes to let issues slide to avoid a conflict. You'll be respected for your consistent accountability to the rules of the team. If everyone knows what is expected of them from the beginning, you should have a great season. Good luck.

Ken, you are right on! But I would add that in the pre-season meeting with players and parents, have your team rules, expectations etc., written out that address the rules for players and the parents. Have each player and parent read and sign their name on a return form. No Player will get into a game until the coach gets the return form signed. This works well for me as a high school coach. I also ignore parents or fans "coaching from the stands" comments to the players because I find that usually, the players seem to do a good job tuning their parents comments out during a game.

Good question, because i had to face that last 2 seasons, and i dont have the answer. The thing that i know sometimes the player involve wil pay de price because you dont want the parent with the player, thats really bad, because that player can be very good. So if anyone have some clue to help, it would be good.